Looking Back through Childrens' Windows

The relationships within our family have never been healthy or secure. My Father was an extremely narcissistic man, controlling and often threatening or abusive. Mother avoided crossing him at all costs and never entered the room of one of the children’s
“disciplinary engagements,” usually one of the back rooms where Dad would leave physical marks as he taught us a lesson designed “for our own good.”

Dad forced each of us to compete or bargain for favors, money, privileges, and in effect, for love. As the four of us moved into adulthood and now into later life, little healing occurred. Those “negative resources” (see my last blog) carried through into out own marriages and family dynamics. As we have been forced to return to the scene of our original family, the anger, resentments and the old conflicts rise to the surface in almost all of the sibling interactions. The illness of both Father and Mother have exacerbated some of our infantile behaviors, and wounds continue to weep. The result: A paralysis in the productive planning of both parent’s care. We stumbled through Dad’s death and burial with hard feelings and distrust, but as I look into Mother’s last room, her needs are becoming more and more critical. Two of us can no longer meet the needs and something has got to be done!

I have not been able to find a source, in books or in articles, that offers a solution for this painful situation. One author declared that “recognition” of the problem is meaningful. I have not found that this gives me any more sleep. There are recommendations for finding support groups. When is there time to do this? Yesterday I read that a family conference is extremely helpful in defining roles and ways to help with the care giving chores. I wish that author could have attended just one of our family conferences! The four of us agreed on one thing---that we will never have another conference!

I am going to discuss with my brother the possibility of Elder Mediation as a way to engage the two “outside” siblings in Mother’s care. I wish there were some way that this could be required, but there is no law that demands that all four children help feed or bathe Mother. As long as Mother has adequate care, the law could care less.