Two of my siblings disappeared from the dementia scene almost as quietly as Mom and Dad disappeared from reality. Without fanfare and with almost no explanation , they simply withdrew from the scene of physical care. They did, occasionally, make 15- minute visits to the home. When my father died, they entered into the middle of the drama,(we continue to stage two-day events here in the south), and one even led the parade. The irony is that when they discuss the “pitiful” situation of their parents with others, it is as if they are on the scene, performing daily care rituals. This has created some very harsh feelings within the family, as well as extreme stress on the two remaining caregivers. Unfortunately, this story permeates the Alzheimer’s landscape. A friend of mine keeps her ninety year old mother in her home. One sibling visits once a week and gives an hour or so of relief. Two others visit only occasionally, and give critiques on what should be done for Mother, mostly by telephone.
My own siblings choice or ability to separate themselves from this life shattering event tells something about family dynamics, perhaps a little about parenting and quite a lot about character. I could make a few lame excuses for my absent siblings, but I simply refuse. Their own rationalizations protect them so much better, many times teetering on the very realms of reason. All of you who have parents with this condition, and have siblings who act similarly, know exactly how I feel and what I think. Francine Russo has written a resource book for all of us who experience this very situation. It is called They’re Your Parents Too! You will find me in her book, the one who tries to control, the oldest child and the wisest!
Carl Jung called parents “archetypal forces,” the human influence that provides each of us, as adults, with positive or negative resources. Wouldn’t it be lovely if every parent knew what behaviors induced positive resources in their children? Even today, with counselors, self-help gurus, books, Oprah and Montel, parenting remains mostly a lot of trial and error. The errors can be devastating. My own parents created the grounds for a wasteland long before their dementia obliterated the landscape. Do not judge me as too harsh or casting blame, even though I am guilty of both acts at times. I will try to explain more tomorrow.
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You write so beautifully Cecilia!
ReplyDeleteAlthough I'm not in your situation I can totally sense how you are feeling at this time. It must be so hard to take on all of this responsibility and not feel you have the full support of your siblings. However you can only change how you act and not the actions of others. Trying to change someone is never possible and usually only ends up creating more stress and anxiety within. All you can do is your best and be content with that. You are doing an amazing job and the care you have for your Mother certainly emanates throughout this blog.